One year before I was told I had MS I noticed some things about me that seemed a bit strange. I mean on the outside I looked fine, but when I walked it felt a bit off balance and when I turned my head I would get dizzy. No big problem. Ill just graze my fingers on the wall when I walk and when I get dizzy I just won't turn my head so fast. Its amazing how the human body can unconsciously find ways to adapt in order to keep moving forward. As my symptoms became worse the more my body would try to adapt, to the point where I would risk my own safety. One morning I woke up and couldn't see out of my right eye. So I got in my car and drove to the clinic. This 1st stage is 'Denial.' (its ok, you can laugh) As far as I was concerned I was still healthy and everything felt fine. Maybe he'll give me some eye-drops and then I can hurry home to catch the last episode of The Bachelorette. It took 2 hours in the doctors office doing test after test for me to finally realize this was serious. 3 weeks later I was diagnosed.
There was nothing I wanted more than silence. I didn't want to talk, think or do anything, let alone say the words Multiple Sclerosis. At this time you would have found me in my bedroom zoned out. My thoughts had no colour, no sound just a silent shade of grey. As shocked as I was I had to keep this quiet. I had to make sure nobody outside the immediate family knew. I did this because I didn't want anyone's sympathy or pity. Imagine you walked into a crowded room with no clothes on, how would you feel? Embarrassed, ashamed, lost, confused, fuddled, sad, hopeless, worthless, exposed? These are common psychological symptoms of being diagnosed with MS. If there was anyway I could keep my clothes on in that crowded room I was gonna do it. This stage is the 'Bargaining' stage. Trying to keep tabs on who knew so it wouldn't get out, trying to postpone what was eventually to be inevitable. It's a line of defense to protect people from the painful reality.
I racked my brain over and over in my text books and spent hours on WebMd trying to find answers as to how I got MS. People who are at higher risk to get MS are Caucasian women over 40 and who may have it in their family. OK, so I'm not 40 and I'm not white and I don't have it in my FAMILY!!!!!!! So your telling me I'm that 1-2% chance of getting it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This stage is 'Anger.' "Why me" was a question I asked myself a million times. I did everything right in life. I listened to my parents, I treated people with respect and kindness. I take out the trash but only if its not raining or snowing outside and I would even say hello to my neighbours, even when they have a bad attitude. I'm a good person and I don't deserve this! All my anger needed to go somewhere. Someone had to be held accountable for this..........so who could I blame? I'll blame God.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
As I would sit in church staring expressionless at the Pastor I couldn't find it in my heart to be angry at God. There has to be something to this, it just doesn't make any sense. As I pondered and sulked on my sorrows I felt a suffocating surge of despair and loneliness. This stage is called 'Depression.' The funny thing about this stage is that you can't do anything but surrender, your left with having to feel your feelings. This stage is hard. Its painful and it will come and go but that's where faith comes in. I would get these calls day and night from family and friends asking to see me and offering food, flowers and gifts. I was blessed to know I wasn't going to be alone in this.
Now comes the last stage. 'Acceptance.' In the past year Iv'e repeated this cycle about a hundred times but through the good and the bad I'll strive to find hope, faith and acceptance and this blog is a representation of that.
God Bless
You just helped me with my thesis! :) it's on grief and loss.. Your posts are inspiring and wonderful. I thank God always for you and being my friend. Thank you for letting me share in your life and being a true friend to me... I really love our honest talks and the support we give to one another! Keep on writing, smiling and being an inspiration to all who have contact with you. God bless you always and I look forward to more and more posts :)
ReplyDeleteAwww, thank you Kandi:) I couldn't have done it without your support too. I mean you coming to the meeting with me today meant a lot! I hope I can read your paper when your done and feel free to post up any questions you may have. Luv Ya
ReplyDeleteJust had to share how great your blog is. A powerful and beautiful spirit shines through in the way you share your experiences with us Feven. I'm at work here and said I was only going to take a quick peek and you've got me hooked! Lol. Regardless of how frequent or seldom we see each other, always here for you.
ReplyDeleteSelam
Feven, your post was very insightful. I find it hard to remember the day I was diagnosed with MS back in 2006 but I remember I never did go through the denial phase. I am not really sure why I was so cool about it. Back then I had never even heard of MS. When my doctor mentioned it as a possibility I had to ask what MS was. I was 21 back then, so I was alone when I went to the doctor. I remember telling my mom. She was so worried about me. She came with me to the information sessions and I couldn't figure out why she was so scared. It's a disease, yes, but I felt ok. I wasn't disabled and I looked like everyone else my age. My symptoms were the only things that were different but, they went away with time. I was one of the youngest people in the information session. Most of the others had a cane or a wheelchair. I found this discouraging and that's when I started to get scared. I didn't want to be in a wheelchair. I didn't want to be dependent on others. Feven, although I do not know you very well, you appear to be a strong woman. I believe one day, you will be able to look at the disease positively. It is to my understanding that our body is run by our mind. If you keep a positive attitude, however not always possible, your body will keep your MS in check. You will take care of your disease by taking care of your body. Since there is no cure for MS, unfortunately, we have to learn to live with it. My doctor told me to stay active and maintain a healthy diet. Since my diagnosis and 6 years of needles I have only had one relapse, and a mild one- numbness and tingling in my feet. Although my neurologist said there is no known cause of a relapse, my boyfriend and I feel it may be because I endured a lot of stress during that time, switching jobs and taking on too much at once. Anyways, do not hesitate to contact me if you need any support. Don't forget you have a support group now- Young Adults with MS in Greater Edmonton! Keep in touch girl and keep your head up! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
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